Week 28: Clinging

My body + brain have never been above throwing curve balls into the mix. We are about two weeks out from packing up our apartment in NC, road tripping with the kids for four days, and setting up in a new (temporary) apartment in San Antonio, Texas. I'm 28 weeks pregnant, pretty much constantly exhausted, 20 weeks in to being nauseated (though much less so than the first trimester, thank goodness!) and my hormones are almost certainly kicking in to high gear. I'm Braxton-Hicks-ing at least once an hour. My sides are starting to get sore from holding baby girl's home in place. And I'm growing out of clothes that fit in my previous pregnancies.

So I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that my clinical depression and anxiety have leapt to unconscionable levels, but I have to admit--I've been surprised. I've been trying to eat better, sleep more, exercise regularly. I've taken everything but the essentials off my to-do list. I'm trying to live in the moment, release my worries about the upcoming months, and focus doing one task at a time and on enjoying right now. I've been praying and praying and praying.

But still this dread plagues me. This heavy shroud of darkness sweeping in towards me from the horizon. It doesn't seem to help that I know rationally that it isn't real. And the anxiety. I struggle to fall asleep, my body always restless, my brain filled with terrible possibilities, my dreams upsetting and unsettling.

I'm having panic attacks, which I can't remember having more than a few times in my entire life up to this point. Last week I had three. This morning I've been trying to just live through a long, stretched out one. Trying to accept, not fight. Trying to breathe when it feels like I can't get enough oxygen into my body. Trying to be a functional-enough mom to my littles while Steve works.

I had a similar experience when I was pregnant with Juliette, but I didn't recognize it for what it was. So now I've got a request in to my doctor to tweak with my medication (she needs my OB's approval, which I hope to get this week) and my fingers crossed that if they do change my dosage, it will make a difference. Or that something else will make a difference.

Our baby girl is strong and wiggly, and measuring large. I feel her all the time , but she is especially active in the afternoon and evening. I'm trying to remember the way I felt when Juliette was born: how I thought If only I'd known it was YOU, it would have been so much easier to endure well! I'm trying to trust that that feeling will surge back through me when I meet this new little girl. That maybe then I'll understand the purpose of the pain and the fear and the seemingly endless stretches of time spent waiting, feeling alone, wondering if I can get through the next wave that crashes down inside my heart.