Week 39: The Final Countdown

I thought I was making a really cute face in this picture, but turns out that every single one of the belly shots Gracie took for me today have me looking tired and in pain. Which is accurate. But it's always nice to think you don't look the way you feel. :/

Also, love Juliette's side-eye at the belly. Poor kid gets bumped in the head on by it at least a few times a week.

Snapshot

I realized I haven't really done a lot of "snapshot" posts during this pregnancy, even though it is one of my favorite things. I love seeing how the little things change in our day to day life. So here's what baby-Betsy and I are up to in this, our final week of pregnancy(!!!!):

Eating (Breakfast):
Cereal. The not healthy kind. Like Honeycomb or Marshmallow Mateys.

Eating (Lunch):
Toasted naan with cheese + applesauce

Eating (Dinner):
Chicken Cesar salad wraps
Quesadillas + fruit salad
French toast

Pass-times
Solitaire/Tetris on my iPad on the couch
Listening to the kids play
Coloring when I can sit up for a bit :)

Music
Mostly Pandora stations (Cat Stevens, Shake it Off, Jason Mraz)

Watching
Poldark, season 1 (with Steve)
Jimmy Fallon clips on YouTube (when I'm home at night without hubs and feeling sad/lonely)

Reading
Styled by Emily Hendersen
Along the Infinite Sea by Beatriz Williams
Scriptures nightly with the kiddos

Routine

6:30am - Wake up, still pregnant. Get kids up. Pack lunches while they eat breakfast.

7:15am - Pile everyone in the car for the drive to school.

7:30am - Get home with Juliette. Eat my own breakfast.

8:00am - Try to get something useful done, like maybe doing the dishes or starting some laundry.

8:30am - Crash on the couch with Juliette watching Peg + Cat. Rest/nap/snuggle. She's a great cuddle buddy.

10:30am - Try to do something else useful. Like move the laundry into the dryer or work on the budget.

11:30am - Lunch with Jules.

12:30pm - Quiet time for Juliette. Nap for me.

2:15pm - Leave to get big kids from school.

2:50pm - Home. Snacks. Homework. Then the kids go off to clean their rooms & bathroom. I collapse on the couch again.

5:30pm - Dinner. Collapse on couch.

6:50pm - Scriptures, prayers, hugs + kisses (everybody gives the Betsy-bump a hug, too), vitamins and then the kids go off to bed.

7:00pm - Shower. Jammies. Watch Poldark with Steve, or if he's gone play a bunch of games of Tetris and Solitaire until I'm tired enough to eat a snack and read a book and fall asleep around 10 or 11.

All night - Have weird dreams (like my eyeball falling out, or delivering my baby and then carrying her in a paper bag so she won't get wet in a rainstorm?!). Wake up to pee every 2 or so hours. Grit my teeth in agony every time I roll over.

Repeat. :)

What People are Saying

Strange woman in OB office waiting room: Are you having TWINS?

Me: Nope! Just one!

Woman: That is a BIG baby.

Maintenance guys came by yesterday to fix our alarm system:

Guy #1: She's having her baby on Friday!

Guy #2: Yeah?

Guy #1: Looks like she should have had it two MONTHS ago!

#truth

Also, this is what I look like to my children:

Dr. Appt

I saw my doctor today. Baby "sounds great." Measurements are okay. Urine was sampled. And I have made almost zero progress toward labor since last week.

But we did talk details of the induction (HOORAY!) and I felt inspired to take a picture of this poster I stare at every week.

I still don't understand where all my organs have gone.

Life

I'm in pain. A lot of pain. Because my hips apparently are super relaxed, which makes all the pressure and weight being thrust upon them very, very painful. Not to get all pathetic on you, but I find myself gripping furniture just to stand up, gritting my teeth before climbing in the car, and wanting to cry when I roll over in bed. I shuffle when I walk, and move very, very slowly. And honestly that doesn't make much of a difference, I'm just hoping not to exacerbate anything worse.

It sucks, yeah, but its just how life is right now. I'm finding more and more that simply being resigned to life as-is on a day-by-day basis helps me have the best days. I'm not expecting to go into labor and being disappointed. I'm not wishing away pain that can't heal with this sweet giant girl locked in place. I'm just here, now, going slow and giving myself a LOT of grace. (That said, these last few days before Friday's induction are DRAGGING! Haha.)

I'm mostly in good spirits, but some things, like this dumb motivational sign I have to see while I wait to pick up the kids, really tick me off:

Because, hi: I LIVE on my couch.

And speaking of couches, there are a few positions I can settle into where I don't hurt. One of them is on the couch with two pillows behind me, one between my knees, and one wedged under my belly to hold it at the right angle. That's my belly in black, happily nestled on it's pillow wedge after I bailed on the second and third hours of church this week.

We're being realistic. We order pizza every Friday. We eat off/out of paper plates and bowls that we ordered in MASSIVE BULK. We're loving Shipt delivering our groceries. Totally worth the price. If I feel crummy when I'm home solo with the kids, I just tell them so and ask them to go play upstairs. They are so patient and understanding.

Every night Charlie prays and says "Thank you for our baby" and "Thank you that when the baby is born Mommy won't be pregnant anymore." Which is hilarious but also genius. I think we will all be grateful for that.

Steve gave me a priesthood blessing of comfort when I asked him to the other night. It was such a relief to hear the words my Heavenly Father had to share with me--even though they weren't perhaps the ones I would have chosen. (Maybe I was wishing I'd be blessed to have the baby THAT NIGHT... Maybe....) What I heard instead was mostly just to endure, and when I hold this sweet girl in my arms when the time comes, to enjoy the knowledge that I've done my part and done the good hard work that Heavenly Father has asked of me. And also to have faith in the atonement, and it's power to lift me in all situations, including this one. I'm still learning this: that Christ's sacrifice doesn't apply just to repentance from sin, but also to all pain, all suffering, all doubt and fear and insecurity. So I'm trying to pray more, ask more, accept more.

3 days to go. Tired, achy, excited, exhausted, and grateful. :)

Weeks 37 & 38: Just Keep Swimming

This photo (37 weeks!) was taken in what will be our new master bedroom in a matter of weeks! As usual, we snuck in for a self-guided tour that Sunday, and while the kids played a really loud game involving running in and out of a closet, Steve snapped this belly pic for me.

Here's the house, too!

As you might have guessed from the photos, the house and I are now roughly the same size.

This week the kids started school at their new elementary. Gracie is in third grade and Charlie has just begun kindergarten. Thankfully their days have been repeatedly, "great" and "perfect" respectively.

Grace also had her birthday on Wednesday. I was feeling so crummy that I honestly thought I might give birth (these two girls shared the same due date, so it would have been kind of awesome for them to share a birthday!) but obviously that did not happen. Instead we had Panera, Steve took the older two to a trampoline park, there was a gift-opening bonanza, and we finale-d with a Cold Stone cookie dough ice cream cake. :)

Dr. Appt

My most recent doctor's appointment was quick and to the point. Quick urine sample, heartbeat check (130's), mashing my stomach to find baby's position, and then checking my progress toward labor (4cm dilated, 60% effaced).

Also, I found this SUPER CLOSE parking just for me! YES!

And Dr. Olvera gave me the basic details of induction day--we're to arrive at the hospital at 4:30am (WHAT?!), I'll get started on the induction medications (and I can "get [my] epidural WHENEVER I WANT") and she expects to be on hand to break my water by 7am. So we'll see how that goes.

Keep Swimming

We're in "just keep swimming" mode.

A few days this week we've been convinced we'd be holding this girl by the following day, but NOPE. I feel terrible. Baby has dropped (yay!) which means (a) I look a little more hilarious because she looks more like a giant beer-belly than a pregnancy bump, and (b) I am dying of pain in my pelvis. Sorry to say pelvis. I'm also very nauseated again, which is not my favorite. And tired. And lots of other unpleasantries are going on, which are supposed to mean labor is coming but so far have not produced actual labor. *facepalm*

My stomach is so big that it's getting hard to drive the car! Ha! Tip-toes for gas & breaks, and I am constantly adjusting the seat so baby-girl doesn't have to snuggle the steering wheel.

This is my favorite dress. :)

Juliette is a doll face and lets me take a nap in the morning while she watches PBS snuggled up against me. She snuggles me pretty much wherever I go.

I don't wear makeup, I DO get dressed, and I am mostly laying down.

And we've started ordering groceries through Shipt. They shop for and then bring the food TO YOUR HOUSE, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate NOT having to waddle painfully through the store dragging all my feelings (and Juliette's, too) along with the grocery cart. AND that when Steve is home, he can hang out with me instead of grocery shopping. It is a marvelous invention, and I am thankful for technology this pregnancy!

I've started making myself daily to-do lists again. They are super basic, and include things like "Wash Juliette" or "Do the dishes." Wunderlist makes a little happy "ding" each time I check something off that makes it almost worth it to do the work. ;)

Steve's been working every day. I've been getting up with the kids (in the dark--boo) to get them ready and off to school. We are both disheartened and exhausted down to our bones, as is typical in these last few weeks of pregnancy. We've been putting the kids to bed and then climbing right into our own bed by around 8. This year has been full of stress and new beginnings and change, and we're just sort of sucked dry. So bedtime at 8 is great.

I'm resigned, but I would love your prayers if you are a prayer. Steve needs them, too. We're okay, we're making it, but that extra bolstering up of love and help would be a real gift from heaven in this last week of waiting. Thanks for being there for us. :)

xo,
Jamie

Week 36: Minimalist Nesting and a Dr. Appt

36 weeks: 58 inches tall, 46 inches around. I won't make it to legit sphere, but I might be able to get to the 48" max circumference I reached with Charlie. Only time and my measuring tape will tell.

Minimalist Nesting

Apartment living has made nesting pretty basic. After we did out buying bonanza because all our baby stuff ended up stashed in the back of a storage unit (which we can't access until the end of September), things sat around in boxes for a while. Then on Saturday we woke up to a cozy, rainy day and Steve said, "Want to put together all the baby stuff?" :)

I'm a teeny tiny bit sad that I haven't been able to make a nursery for this sweet girl yet, but at the same time it has been a huge relief to just focus on what we really need/find useful as we've prepared for her arrival. And it was still super fun to get everyone in on assembly and setup. The kids were really excited.

They started by unboxing the pack'n'play on my side of the bed in our room.

Charlie took his job as mobile-assembler very seriously and did a good job. He's dexterous and loves building things. :)

Then they all helped put together the stroller and checked out the car seat.

...at which point Juliette turned to me and sternly demanded," Mom, get your Betsy out. GET YOUR BETSY OUT!!!" and I wished I could follow her instructions.

We pulled out the Boppy, and Squish showed us (with no prompting) exactly how she would hold her baby sister when she was born. She looked like she could really see the baby, and it made Steve and me melt into absolute puddles.

And then her beloved Pluto got a turn, too.

When Steve had assembled the baby swing (our final assembly-required piece) everyone descended upon the baby items with their stuffed animals to make trial runs.

So now we know that miniature elephants, dogs, and foxes can all thrive in our baby's environment, which seems like a good indicator that the newborn weeks should be okay. ;)

Dr. Appointment

I've now officially graduated to weekly visits and *ahem* paper gowns, which means we are totally in the final countdown! I vacillate between being overjoyed that the days are ticking down, and trying to ignore that the days are ticking down but not yet over. So far ignoring seems to be working better for me from a mental health standpoint. ;)

Here are some flowers outside the doctors office for you to look at.

I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions for ages now--some quite painful, most happening in the evening--but that's just kind of how my body rolls during pregnancy. So I was very surprised (and happy!) to discover that I'm already dilated to a 3! While I'm still hoping not to deliver until induction day (for the sake of figuring out logistics with three kiddos and Steve's job!) it is nice to know that discomfort isn't for nothing. Plus, less work to do on delivery day, right?

Baby girl is head down, heartbeat in the 140s, and at next week's appointment, we get induction details! That really makes it seem soon. Just a few more details (emergency early-baby-arrival babysitter, packing my hospital bag) to go, and we'll be about as ready as we can be.

Symptoms and Such

So... pregnancy is not pretty. It's just not. I'm just going to say that I am uncomfortable, nauseated, and dealing with other (familiar) pre-labor symptoms that the baby girls in my life have given me in the past. And in addition to that, my poor burdened pelvis is killin' me. Charlie-pregnancy-level sharp and dull pain. I will not miss this stage. But at least this time around, I know I can get through it.

Aside from the not-pretty stuff, though, a lot of my symptoms are pretty funny:

• Fat fingers and cankles are a thing now. Actually, my swollen fingers started in NC, where I upgraded to a bigger (fake) wedding ring. When we arrived in Texas (read: even hotter) they got EVEN FATTER, and I had to get an even bigger, even faker ring! Cankles this time come and go. If I have a day with a lot of rest/keeping my feet up, I have some ankle definition. If not: tree trunk legs.
  .
• Sleep fighting... Okay, not legit Ron Swanson sleep fighting. But my sleep is definitely weird now that I wake up so often in the night and can't sleep as hard as usual. I snore. I hear things in my dreams (not real things) that jolt me awake. I talk in my sleep (mumbo jumbo non-words) and sometimes accidentally wake myself up talking. And this morning Steve said I was taking swings at something with my arms. Totally unconscious. From what I remember of that dream, it was because I was mad at him for buying himself a ticket to a Jason Mraz concert without inviting me.
  .
• Loose joints. For the last few weeks, things just sort of slip out of my hands. Soap. Silverware. Whatever. Like my muscles just give up for a second because they're tired of doing all the things that muscles have to do. It's both annoying and funny. Mostly funny.
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• Eating all the ice. I stand in front of the freezer multiple times a day eating ice pellets straight from the bag of Sonic ice we keep in there just for me. It is literally the equivalent to me right now of eating a warm brownie straight from the pan. I cannot explain it, but since it's actually good for me to be doing stuff to stay hydrated, I'm grateful for it. Also, it is serious euphoria. So strange. But so wonderful. I also enjoy my Sonic ice in a glass, sometimes with apple juice or water, or sometimes just eaten with a spoon. Yep. Like a crazy person. But it makes me so happy.

And one thing that hasn't happened--this might be the strangest of all--I'm not crying. I mean, occasionally I'll get a little teary over something cute on TV, or have a good bawl over my helplessness as a nearly-spherical human who can't get out of bed without ratcheting up three or four times to reach sitting position. But I'd say all my cries thus far have been not only rational, but also reasonable.

So... that's weird.

But I am still basically having-a-good-attitude-about-feeling-miserable. So Steve requested I make a really sad face at him for one of my belly pictures. :)

This guy keeps my head on straight. ;) He's got the best sense of humor, gives good hugs, and is very good for pregnant-woman morale.

And let's wrap up this week with some of the things people have said about my belly this week. There has been some belly touching, but these Southern ladies are so cute about it that I mostly don't even mind.

Things People Have Said this Week:

Lady at church: "Is this your first?"

Me: "No, our fourth." :)

Her: "Oh! Well this isn't your first rodeo!"

Lady in elevator after OB visit: "That baby's gonna be bigger than you are! Bless your heart!"

#texas!

Weeks 32-35: Catchup

I kept hoping I would be able to write up these last few weeks individually, but naps, summertime swimming, new-home bills (I always forget that it costs extra money to set new stuff up in the new place!), and potty training Jules (among other things) have taken up time and/or brain space, and suddenly here we are at the 35 week mark. Which feels both SO CLOSE and SO FAR from the big finale when we meet our babe.

We've been in San Antonio for a month(!) now, are pretty well settled into our town house, watching the progress of our adorable grown-up cookie-cutter house as it goes up (its framed and getting wired--drywall next week!), slowly exploring the surrounding area, meeting people and working on making friends, and eating REALLY GOOD Mexican food and Texas-style BBQ. Even not pregnant, I LOVE eating, so, yeah. Yummy food=happy preggo. Steve has also started work as of this week, and is acclimating to his new work environment and feeling much more confident about the whole being-an-attending thing as he's been able to get his feet wet now. Even though he wears scrubs at the hospital, he leaves and comes home in full ABUs 

(camo) and his military grade boots are usually kicked off at the foot of our bed.

Steve has taken advantage of the time off to take the big kids on nearby adventures. Last week the three of them went to Sea World and saw a ton of shows, rode a bunch of rides, and came home soaked to the bone, happy, and exhausted. This week he took Grace to an enormous, wonderful water park called Schlitterbahn. Next week he's taking Charlie, who is so excited that he made a count-down calendar. :)

While they were out, Juliette and I went to Target, watched Peg + Cat, and ate ice cream for lunch at a Baskin Robbins she has been eyeing.

After weeks of trying to get every form filled out with t's crossed and i's dotted correctly, we finally got our first paycheck from the military (HOORAY!), which made it possible to get down to nesting for this little bundle. Most of our baby stuff got packed away in long-term storage (whoops) so we've had to start fresh a bit. We are loving how minimalist we feel compared to our first time around as parents, though. It's great to know what we actually need and use instead of feeling pressured by the crazy amounts of baby stuff available.

When the house is finished she will have her own nursery with a real crib and furniture, but for now we just got what we really needed, plus a couple of extras. Insurance paid for a breast pump (WHAT!? YAY INSURANCE!), and almost all the rest we got off Amazon, either with a killer deal on Prime Day or using our 15% baby registry discount. I like lists, so here is what we got:

• Pack-n-play
• Pack-n-play sheets
• Boppy
• Travel-size baby swing
• Nursing cover (awesome full-coverage one from here!)
• Pump, nursing pads, + milk storage bags
• Bottles
• Burp cloths
• 3-pack SwaddleMe blankets
• Car seat
• Light-weight stroller

The first part of the haul arrived early in the day, the second part came in the evening. It was like baby-registry Christmas. ;)

And this week we also made a run to Carter's to pick up a few sets of clothes (our newborn stuff is all packed away), which are all now hanging adorably in a prominent place in our closet, looking precious and tiny. And Steve hung one little set of onesies on our wall so we see it whenever we walk into our bedroom. :)

Baby's sibs are starting to get REALLY excited. Charlie talks about her all the time, gives my belly a hug every night before bed when he gives me one, prays for her (and "for Mommy not to be pregnant") frequently, and sat happily for ages holding our friends' baby boy last night.

Juliette has been talking a lot about her, too. Every time we pass something baby related in a store, she tells me it is for our baby and wants to stop and look at it. She's also got her own baby in her tummy, so she's excited for both our babies to be born and sleep in a crib together. (Presh.) She shows me sometimes by sticking her stomach out against mine and saying, "BIG BELLY!" And a few days ago she made "a scribble" for her sister and presented it to my stomach, presumably to be accepted and admired by our baby girl.

As to actual baby/pregnancy stuff, I met my new doctor our second week here, and she is fantastic, which is such a huge blessing. I've already met with her twice. Baby girl is looking good, head down, heart rate between 130s and 140s. And based on my past history of big babies, Dr. Olvera has already promised us an induction date of September 2nd (the exact 39 week mark). Steve and I are both really excited to have a guaranteed baby day already set. We've even got countdowns on our phones. :)

Symptom-wise, I'm doing some better and some worse, but overall I feel like I can get through the last few weeks, which is a comforting feeling. My panic attacks are almost non-existent, thank goodness, and the anxiety is fading. I'm definitely feeling a general sort of down-heartedness and emotional exhaustion, both of which make sense to me based on the state of my tiny, very pregnant body and the roller coaster we've been riding since the beginning of the year. I'm mostly only able to combat this by trying to stay in the moment and not think ahead much (beyond planning for the things I HAVE to plan for, like registering kids for school and making plans for delivery). I'm having trouble falling asleep, trouble focusing my mind on prayer. Restless legs. Some *ahem* consistent unpleasant stomach troubles. Swollen feet and growing cankles. Increasingly strong Braxton Hicks. Shortness of breath (even just reading aloud!). Still have enough nausea that I have to chew gum, take Unisom at bed, and eat lots of ice (this helps--and we've started buying the AMAZING kind from Sonic... Sometimes I just stand in the open freezer door and eat ice right from the bag. It is SO. GOOD.). The worst is (sorry, but this IS a pregnancy blog) the intense pain in my pelvis from the weight of this girl on my 4'10" frame. It is very, very sharp and bad, and similar to the pain I had carrying Charlie.

Overall, I'm just trying to be gentle to my body, rest a lot, move slowly/gently, and keep a good attitude. This is a season. My family is happy and growing. And there are baby clothes in my closet and a swimming pool right outside our front door. Pretty good stuff.

Week 29: Critical Mass

I'm going to admit right off that I never, ever took a physics class, so it is possible that I am using the term "critical mass" incorrectly. But I'm going to go ahead and take some liberties with it because the words "critical" and "mass" are pretty much describing what's going on around my middle. On Friday, after months of being pleasantly surprised that I was having little to no back pain--suddenly: CRITICAL MASS. Big baby. Small mama. Third trimester. It's happening: back pain and difficulty standing for long periods of time.

Also, a couple times I almost tipped over! : O

All this makes sense, because my Babycenter app assures me that this little bun is 17 inches long (!!!) and about 3lbs (!!!). And since she is a Walton baby, she may be a little bigger than that by now. She is not a crazy one so far--she has calm times of day where I just feel her shifting and fidgeting, and busy times when she is kicking and punching and doing somersaults. She's usually the most active in the evening, which is funny because when Steve and I lay down for bed she usually punches him in the back for a bit.

My brain/soul are doing a little better. Steve reminded me gently that feeling overwhelmed and low are par for the course during my third trimesters. We've done it before, we can do it again. But it is definitely hard to face the possibility of months more feeling panicky/anxious/depressed at this level.

Neil Gaiman is quoted as saying, "I like stories about women who save themselves." I love that as an idea. I love the concept that anyone can save themselves. But the older I grow, the more chances I have to recognize that sometimes the only way to "save yourself" is to not try to do it alone, to not do it yourself. To ask for help. It's been a big lesson for me this pregnancy. There's nothing wrong with it. In fact, asking for and accepting help is one of the best ways to form deeper and more meaningful relationships. It's laying yourself bare. It's allowing others to prove their strength to themselves by letting them share their gifts and talents. It's showing humility and gratitude and humanity that makes other people feel better when they reach their own low points.

When I get myself up and going again, when I'm writing more and working more and mothering better and my hormones and brain chemicals are less whacked out and I've just got things a lot more together--when that happens and you hit a low point where you feel like there is just nothing left to keep you going, you remember that I felt this right now. At this happy, exciting time of moving, growing up a little more, expecting a beautiful baby, my heart has felt worn and broken and I have felt lonely and lost, anxious about my future, grappling with a sometimes almost physically paralyzing anxiety. You remember that, okay? Because after that part, it gets better again. I know its going to get better again. (And I even got a little reminder in my instagram feed last week.)

And while I don't feel great, I feel a little less overwhelmed. I asked for help, and tried to use my resources:

I asked my doctor if we could increase my dosage of Lexapro, and she and my OB agreed that yes, that would be a good idea. We will see if that helps, but its good to have a couple of lifeboat options, and that seemed like a logical place to start based on my history.

I scheduled a couple last appointments with my wonderful counselor, who totally gets me. Last week we talked about how my traumatic experiences during Charlie's birth (stuck baby, nurse pushing on my belly when I was told to STOP PUSHING, lots of lost blood, low APGAR, baby taken away for observation) was shaping my imaginings of what this birth could be like. They were pretty violent and distressing. She helped me work on reframing, and that has been helping.

I bravely called an OB office in Texas and scheduled an appointment with a new doctor. (And had a panic attack while I did it, but whatever. Done is done, even if you have a panic attack.)

I emailed a therapist friend from church and asked about coping techniques for panic attacks.

I tried to get to the gym as often as possible--a break from the kids (and for the kids--they love playing there), endorphins (yay!), and cardio and strength training to prepare myself a little more to keep carrying this heavy little lovely.

And Friday we just had a perfect family day. We took the kids to the pool after quiet time. The water was perfect and Steve launched the big kids into the air over and over. Juliette finally got confident enough to try some swimming in her floatie without holding someone's hand and kicked all around the pool. And in the last few minutes of swimming the sky opened up and a summer storm came down on us. We waited a few minutes under an umbrella and then decided we already wet, wearing flipflops, and perfectly dressed for a walk in the rain. So we walked home and splashed in a million puddles and laughed so hard and were entirely soaked and happy when we got back to the apartment.

And that night Steve and I cleaned ourselves up and got all fancy, left the kids with a babysitter (thanks Mandy!) and joined a huge gathering of his colleagues for residency graduation.

I remember being pregnant with Juliette at the very beginning of residency, and how awed we were that she (still gestating!) would be the same age as Charlie was then (2.5) by the time Steve graduated. It seemed so far away but it went by SO quickly.

Baby girl, when you read this know that you were there (in bump form anyway) for the culmination of your Daddy's long and challenging and wonderful medical education. He did an AWESOME job, little one. You would be so proud. And he is so, so excited to meet you. We keep talking about how cozy you will be, and how sweet it will be to touch your soft little baby-fuzzed head. I'm hanging in for you, for those moments when we get to cuddle up together in just a few months. We're in this together, okay? And you've got a whole team of siblings eagerly awaiting your arrival. (Charlie especially gives you multiple hugs everyday.) Keep on keeping on, and I will, too.   xo

~

p.s. I had my final doctor visit in week 29 and forgot to add it. It was a quick one: tummy measured, urine sampled, quick chat with a doctor, and the distribution of my medical record print-outs so I'd have something to take with me to San Antonio. Stats were as follows:

Stats (as of doctor appt):
Weeks pregnant: 29 weeks, 4 days
Baby's fruit/food size: Eggplant / Butternut Squash
Net weight gain: 26 lbs
Doctor visits: 7
Cups peed in: 7
Blood draws: 5
Ultrasounds: 6

Week 28: Clinging

My body + brain have never been above throwing curve balls into the mix. We are about two weeks out from packing up our apartment in NC, road tripping with the kids for four days, and setting up in a new (temporary) apartment in San Antonio, Texas. I'm 28 weeks pregnant, pretty much constantly exhausted, 20 weeks in to being nauseated (though much less so than the first trimester, thank goodness!) and my hormones are almost certainly kicking in to high gear. I'm Braxton-Hicks-ing at least once an hour. My sides are starting to get sore from holding baby girl's home in place. And I'm growing out of clothes that fit in my previous pregnancies.

So I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that my clinical depression and anxiety have leapt to unconscionable levels, but I have to admit--I've been surprised. I've been trying to eat better, sleep more, exercise regularly. I've taken everything but the essentials off my to-do list. I'm trying to live in the moment, release my worries about the upcoming months, and focus doing one task at a time and on enjoying right now. I've been praying and praying and praying.

But still this dread plagues me. This heavy shroud of darkness sweeping in towards me from the horizon. It doesn't seem to help that I know rationally that it isn't real. And the anxiety. I struggle to fall asleep, my body always restless, my brain filled with terrible possibilities, my dreams upsetting and unsettling.

I'm having panic attacks, which I can't remember having more than a few times in my entire life up to this point. Last week I had three. This morning I've been trying to just live through a long, stretched out one. Trying to accept, not fight. Trying to breathe when it feels like I can't get enough oxygen into my body. Trying to be a functional-enough mom to my littles while Steve works.

I had a similar experience when I was pregnant with Juliette, but I didn't recognize it for what it was. So now I've got a request in to my doctor to tweak with my medication (she needs my OB's approval, which I hope to get this week) and my fingers crossed that if they do change my dosage, it will make a difference. Or that something else will make a difference.

Our baby girl is strong and wiggly, and measuring large. I feel her all the time , but she is especially active in the afternoon and evening. I'm trying to remember the way I felt when Juliette was born: how I thought If only I'd known it was YOU, it would have been so much easier to endure well! I'm trying to trust that that feeling will surge back through me when I meet this new little girl. That maybe then I'll understand the purpose of the pain and the fear and the seemingly endless stretches of time spent waiting, feeling alone, wondering if I can get through the next wave that crashes down inside my heart.

Week 27: Dr. Appt + What People are Saying

Three months to go, and my baby bump is NO JOKE. In the last few weeks, the commentary and expectation from strangers and casual acquaintances has increased significantly.

At church:

"You're any day now, aren't you?!"

and

"Are you carrying twins???"

At the gym:

"How much longer do you have?"

and

"Girl, you're about to pop!!!"

At the pool, with the other three kiddos in tow:

"Is this your last?"

I know some (most?) pregnant women get offended by these types of comments, but I guess I can see where everyone is coming from. I look about the same as a girl from our ward did the day before she delivered. Maybe bigger. And also, I'm kind of a big believer in the idea that we choose to be offended. None of these people was meaning to be rude. So I save my irritation/anger for stuff that really ticks me off, like inconsiderate drivers and Time Warner Cable.

Another doctor appointment has come and gone--the second-to-last one before we move. When my doctor asked me how I was I told her how worried I was about all the change and transition coming up in the next month. She took it all to heart and kept hugging me throughout the appointment.

It was my glucola visit! It was just as terrible and nauseating as I remembered, though I did request the orange this time, which always helps. Orange is better than fruit punch. That day they stuck me thrice on the left arm: once on this way over-bandaged finger for an iron test (below), once in the crook of my elbow where they extracted three vials of blood to check for gestational diabetes, and a third time to give me a vaccination.

The nasty power-punch of sugar threw me off all day and I felt queasier than usual. But the phlebotomist thought it was funny when I promised to "try not to wuss out on [her]" while she drew my blood, so that helped. :)

The rest of the week was a blur! We had a pre-con phone conference with our contractor in TX (are we really building a house?!), lots of kiddo swimming lessons, Steve's last night at the DEAC volunteer clinic, Gracie's last day of school, and a trip to Richmond for Steve's 3rd Tough Mudder race. Super busy, super fun, and a great way to usher in the summertime.

Stats (as of doctor appt):
Weeks pregnant: 26 weeks, 3 days
Baby's fruit/food size: Head of Lettuce
Net weight gain: 20 lbs
Doctor visits: 6
Cups peed in: 6
Blood draws: 5
Ultrasounds: 6

18 Weeks: Baby Steps Forward (pun intended.)

This pregnancy is kind of a blur. Not a blur of speed (too bad haha) but just a blur of... stuff. Life whirling around me like a hurricane while I'm just trying to get a load of laundry in and incubate this teeny babe. :) So once I'm past a week (like the 18 week mark, which was two weeks ago) I can't really remember what happened in it.

I do know, however, that my week 18 pictures were taken by our Miss Gracie.

She was a very adorable and enthusiastic photographer. :)

I'm fully off my Zofran now (the meds for nausea/vomiting), but I've discovered that I still feel pretty darn sick if I don't take my Unisom at night. Sad. This is definitely the longest I've been sick in a pregnancy, and I'm beginning to feel resigned to the fact that I may never completely get over it. I'm not throwing up regularly anymore, though, so yay for that. Ice water and spearmint gum are my constant companions, and both seem to help. And, best of all, our church family has leapt at the opportunity to take care of us, and we've already had several families bring us meals over the past two weeks. It is such a weight off my shoulders, and gives me permission to use my energy to take care of the house and my relationship with my kiddos a little more. Both things feel lovely.

This month, as I've been able to handle more awake and off-the-couch time, as well as things like brushing my teeth (without gagging! As long as I do it at the right times of day.) I've been slowly teaching myself how to be an adult again. Last year I had a great, efficient routine that kept me productive and on my toes, but obviously all that went out the window when I started losing all my meals and stuff.

I have to admit, though--the reset has been helpful. By taking everything off my to-do list, I was able to see just how many things were distracting me from my kids. I've always felt that my relationships with them are my top priority, but I wasn't really reflecting that in my day-to-day life. So the knocked-down part of this pregnancy has been eye-opening that way. Going forward with this chance to completely start over, I'm going to really try to keep my focus first on the things of God. It's good to start fresh, sometimes.

And I am really, really starting fresh. Here's the April Tracker from my bullet journal:

See the goals on there? Say prayers. Brush teeth. Take your vitamins. Spend a little time with a kiddo. Occasionally bathe the littles or wash my hair. :) I'm starting at little-kid level with myself, and being okay that things still look a little spotty. Next month I'm adding: Make bed. Read scriptures. Do a load of laundry.

Baby steps.

16 Weeks: Stripes, Spring, and Some Settled Things

The weather is warming, flowers are blooming, and for the last few weeks it has been mostly glorious outside. Temps in the 70's and lovely little springtime zephyrs breezing around us. The kids have been anxious to play outside on their scooters and bikes, so yesterday morning I hauled my tired pregnant self out into the front yard with them and sat in the shade with my striped-bump and watched them play.

I've been feeling almost totally human in the eating department lately, which--in addition to the sunny springtime weather--has lifted my mood quite a bit. I've switched from eating tons of rice and croissants to oatmeal for breakfast (ironically, I can't eat this when I'm not pregnant because I threw it up so many times during my Gracie-pregnancy!), quesadillas with salsa and sour cream, with a side of apples for lunch, and pretty much whatever everyone else is eating for dinner. Last night I even cooked chicken to make a salad, which I haven't done since 2015. I am happy that my body is now accepting vegetables and fruits as well as carbs, carbs, carbs.

That's not to say I don't still have some queasiness. I'm down to one Zofran a day, for the evening sicky feelings, but I do also chew spearmint gum non-stop all day to keep my stomach settled. Steve says the whole house smells like mint when he gets home! :) And I have to be in bed by 10ish or my stomach revolts. But for the most part, I'm like a million times better on that front.

The babes (who is 5 inches long/avocado-sized) and I have also had a predilection for springtime Oreos at dessert time, and Welch's fruit snacks pretty much any time of day. One great thing about being a grown up is that you don't have to ask permission to eat fruit snacks anymore. And you can eat as many as you want in a day, and even have them right before breakfast.

My belly out grew all my shirts this week, so I sneaked off to the mall find some stretchier shirts when Steve had a free morning. Now I feel pretty well stocked for the second trimester, and I can't tell you the difference that well fitting clothes are making for my self-esteem. I feel pretty for the first time in this pregnancy. :)

And this time around... I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm just not going to feel 100%. All through Juliette's pregnancy I kept waiting for the normal-Jamie energy and healthiness to come back. I pushed myself really hard (I was literally scrambling to finish editing a novel for a client from my bed the night before Jules was born) and all it did was make me more tired, more desperate, more discouraged. Last night I told Steve I just want to be able to be myself again, feel like myself, do the things I normally do. And he very kindly responded, "But you know you won't be able to until the end of this pregnancy, right?"

I guess I knew, but I hadn't really admitted it to myself yet. It's a tough pill to swallow, to say the least.

Many other things are settling into place for us, though. We found out last week that we are going to be assigned to San Antonio for the next four years! We are SO excited, and already hunting through house options and daydreaming. We also finalized our temporary housing situation (so we have somewhere to live between closing day on our NC home and moving out to TX when Steve finishes PGY3 at the end of June). We signed a lease on a nice apartment nearby, and plan to take just the necessities, treat it like a vacation, and spend a LOT of time at the complex's pool with the kiddos. :)