Yesterday, it started off by receiving a notification from one of my supervising physicians that we needed to speak about one of our patients that we had seen recently. This is never a good thing. I have yet to be contacted to be like "Hey, Steve, remember that dude we saw together and diagnosed _____?! That was awesome. That's all! See ya later!" I finally got a hold of my attending, and found out that the patient we took care of and discharged had met an early and tragic end. Though his death did not appear to be related to what he came in for, it was still awful to hear, and set the tone of the rest of the day.
I felt like garbage also, physically. I think I caught Jamie's cold, which she had for the last several days. I was on the couch, trying to relax when Jamie looked over the couch and asked Gracie to go do something upstairs. My oh-crap radar went off quickly. Jamie seemed very stern. After Gracie vacated the room, I asked what was up. Jamie told me that she was having some bleeding.
1st Trimester Bleeding is a very common thing, and one actually that I see in the Emergency Room fairly often, but I had yet to be on the other side of this one. We have been on the opposite side for some of Jamie's potentially scary pregnancy stuff, including falling and potentially hurting baby in the 3rd trimester (I think that was with Charlie), Charlie's shoulder dystocia, Jamie's hemorrhage after Charlie's birth... while writing this, it's becoming clear that Charlie's pregnancy was the troublemaker. That boy.
But anyway, we see this often like I said, and I know the possible implications of early bleeding. It runs the gamut from harmless nothing to life-threatening ectopic pregnancy. Though, a lot of the more dangerous etiologies are associated with abdominal pain, of which Jamie had none, so that was a reassuring thing. And except for ectopic pregnancy, it's rarely a threat to mom, but potentially a threat to the little growing baby. (My mind keeps wanting to write fetus, but it's a weird word. Unless you pronounce it like the awesome Sorensen's; Fay-Toose)
We hugged and held each other, and cried. Cried, cried, cried. I didn't realize until this point how invested we were in this little grape-sized soul. We have a relatively big family compared to our peers (unless you count the unstoppable Smith's, who now are expecting twins to round out with 10 kids!), but this baby is not just another drop in the bucket forever. It's a new spirit, a new soul, a new life, one we are excited to meet.
At one point, while talking, Jamie said sorry. This broke my heart. My best friend, my soulmate, the person that knows me better than anyone else, the sweet and caring mother of my children, my partner in all things felt like she was doing something wrong.
We held and we talked, and she immediately called her OB office. She left to her appointment for an ultrasound, and I stayed on the couch glued to my phone, waiting for text updates.
Jamie said she did okay on the way, but when she hit the lobby, she broke down. I wonder if I broke down about the same time. I just sat on the couch, and it struck me. I thought of the warm, soft baby skin against my chest with each of my 3 beautiful children. I am pretty bad with memories, but I can always remember the deep and tender love I have felt and continue to feel with each of my children.
It strikes me that we are very lucky. We do not have the difficulty that many couples do with getting pregnant. Many women miscarry. Jamie never has. We glimpsed into the sadness that strikes when expecting then losing a child, and my heart goes out to those families.
Anyway, she had developed what's known as a subchorionic hemorrhage, which is on the spectrum of less-concerning things. It puts our risk of a possible miscarriage a little higher than others, but for what it could have been, it was pretty unconcerning.
And, we got to see baby. I got to see a printed picture, but Jamie got to see it in action. All one inch of it's gummy bear glory. Heart bumping away about 180 times per minute.
The day ended in this whirlwind of emotion. But the bleeding let up, and all was well.
Except that I couldn't sleep. At first I thought it was to do with all the emotional rollercoastering that was going on. But then my throat was sore. And it got worse, and worse, and worse. I couldn't even swallow my spit. I got up every hour or two for the duration of the night.
In the morning, I checked my throat in the mirror, and it looked pretty gnarly. I was set to work at 9am, but I figured I'd go a little earlier to see if I was okay to work or if I should check in as a patient. I saw Dr. Miller at his desk, and asked him to check me out and he agreed - my throat looked pretty messed up. It looked like what's called a peritonsillar abscess. Basically pus under the tissue, near the tonsil. Gross.
I checked to see who was on call for ENT at the hospital. Luckily, Jordan Wallin was on call, so I shot him a quick page. He called me back, and was able to see me in his clinic over in Clemmons. And he agreed. Maybe an early peritonsillar abscess. So... he drained it. And ouch... That hurt.
And I almost passed out. Felt like a wimp.
I got home, and I felt like garbage. Started my antibiotics, steroids, and... lo and behold... Jamie had some leftover Norco. I don't recommend this ever to patients, but I definitely stole my wife's medication. And it was exactly what I needed.
I've rested all day, and I've started to feel better.
And now, I'm waiting to fall asleep, watching reruns of The Office, on the couch downstairs because little grape-baby has already made it so Jamie can't share the bed.
I miss my wife so bad. She's my best friend, and little baby keeps us apart for a large part of the first trimester. It's funny not telling people early about our pregnancy. We usually wait until like week 12 or something. We've told family, but nobody else. So, I've hung out with some friends recently, and everybody thinks I'm ditching my wife. Truthfully, I know she is home, asleep, not wanting to be out or doing anything, so I don't feel so bad. Eventually, someone's going to put 2 and 2 together. "Why has Jamie been sick for so.... Oh. Oooooooooh."
There. Rambling done.
What a crazy few days.
I love my wife so much, and my heartache over the last 2 days just proves that my heart is stretching and growing to prepare to love a new little angel.
No comments:
Post a Comment