I woke up from a deep sleep in the middle of the night and jumped out of bed because I had to throw up. I hate throwing up. But it's funny the sort of casual resignedness I took it with. Felt that telltale feeling. Got out of bed and grabbed a hair-tie from my bedside table, wrangling my hair into a ponytail as I walked to the bathroom. Quietly got rid of whatever it was that my stomach didn't agree with. (Really actually quietly. I left the bathroom door open but didn't wake Steve.)
Sometimes I need moral support, but it was just a quick awful moment and then it passed. I rinsed my mouth out and got back in bed.
Honestly it's not even the throwing up that gets to me. It's the constancy. The feeling, always, of being about-to-lose-all-my-food. I look forward to sleeping just so I don't have to think about/feel it. Unconsciousness is a very healing gift, and I am thankful for afternoon naps and a self-imposed earlier bedtime.
Unisom seems to be helping. SeaBands seem to be helping (maybe). Eating almost constantly makes a difference. (I am very tired of eating.)
Looking at Juliette and reminding myself what this is all for--another sweet little human added to our gaggle of giggly wonderful Walton babies--is helping. I believe it is going to feel worth it when I hold that new babe in my arms.
The kids have been amazing helpers. They don't know why they're helping yet, just that Mom is feeling sick and laying on the couch a lot. The big kids recently learned to clean the bathrooms, and they clean either their bathroom or the downstairs powder room every day. Gracie has been making lunches for the kids. Charlie puts Juliette to bed at nap time so I can stay downstairs on the couch. They pitch in like troopers and I am so thankful for their good attitudes and capable hands. It is making this much easier.
Steve has been wonderful, too. He always is. He's made me foods I crave, jumped in to take over kid lunches, kitchen duty, meal planning, and chores as needed. He hugs and cuddles me. We talk about the baby, and he supports my escapist needs by planning homes to build or cruises to take or whatever fun daydream is happily distracting me.
And for the first time, I am at a place where I recognize I can do some things, but not all the things I am used to doing. Before the pregnancy, I had a massive list of things I worked through each day, as well as daily tasks. Today I typed up a new list--just the things that will really matter to my well-being and our family's. Enough things to get me up off the couch and doing things, but not so many that I'll feel overwhelmed and useless and start crying. I think it helps to have some small expectations of myself to keep me moving, and to release all the other stuff so that I can focus on keeping my body and attitude in the best places.
I'm not really craving anything in particular, but baby does seem to be pleased with cheese. Annie's macaroni, Laughing Cow spreadable cheese on carrots or Wheat Thins, and grilled cheese sandwiches have all fallen into the "edible" category lately. I can eat some vegetables, which is happy! And some fruits. Mostly carrots and apples. I'll take it. As in my other pregnancies, anything made of wheat (bread, cereal, etc.) other than Wheat Thins is disgusting. Peanut butter (usually one of my favorite foods) is revolting. Like, I can't even stand the smell of it. At all. :) Also, strangely, pizza. I took one bite and knew it was a mistake.
I'm falling into a new routine. And I'm still and quiet a lot more, so I'm talking with the kids and taking time to just watch them play. It's always good when my body has to slow down, because it helps me remember to focus more on stillness and attentiveness and less on getting all the things done.
I am discouraged, but time ticks on, and this too shall pass. Here's to getting through.
No comments:
Post a Comment