We made it to 7 weeks on Friday, and this teeny tiny babe in my belly is officially the size of a blueberry. It still blows my mind when I get those little updates from a pregnancy app that say things like, "Baby is 10,000 times the size it was at conception." That is a LOT of growing happening, little one.
I am still sick. Very. I'm pretty sure Sea Bands are not effective at all, but I wear them all the time (even to sleep) superstitiously. Because I don't want to not wear them and then throw up. Just in case. You know. They are like weirdly sporty-looking security blankets that make an odd circular imprint on my supposed anti-nausea acupressure point.
I washed my hair today. (Bragging.) It feels really good. It has been a long time (let us not count the days!) since I washed all of it. I know I washed the top half last week. It's long and there's lots of it, so it takes effort to wash and dry, and I only have so many good minutes per hour. I used up all my morning ones taking a long shower, washing my hair, and drying it. Then I threw a load of laundry in the washer, and I had to lay down for like an hour, and then I fell asleep on the couch, and then I went up to take a "real" nap in bed and slept for nearly 4 hours, without moving from the spot I fell asleep in.
I'm taking it really easy on myself. It is a relief. I feel like all the give-yourself-grace-Jamie! work I've done over the past few years is getting a real workout now. I'm not pushing to hard. I push just enough to feel it, and then I let myself be where I need to be. My sweet little body feels really separate from me right now. It is tired and sick, and it feels much older and more weary than my spirit does inside of it. But I know it is doing its best, and I am trying to honor that by letting it rest. We have a long and weary road ahead of us, and I hope that gentleness will help me endure better and more happily.
On Friday or Saturday night (I don't know which; they all run together) I had the clash of the pregnancy symptoms. I won't elaborate in detail, but there was much throwing up and other unpleasantness and I laid on the carpeted closet floor in our bathroom. It was terrible, but I have decided that though throwing up is awful and I hate it, it's okay if I have to do it. It's not the end of the world. Somehow that makes the nausea a little easier to handle. I don't have to fight my body; I can let it do what it needs to do.
I've been grasping for support and meaning and purpose from my Heavenly Father. It is so difficult for me to go through something that seems so useless. Being nauseated doesn't help my baby or my body to be healthier. It feels very pointless. I feel very useless sometimes, and disheartened, and looking in to the long long days and nights that will come before it relents is a weight on my heart. I try not to look at it, because it doesn't help, but big things like that--you catch it out of the corner of your eye sometimes, even when you're trying not to. And it sticks for a while before I remember to go back to day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
I watched this talk from General Conference the other night, and cried, and felt a little lift. I can bear this ickyness and sadness if it is "the work God gave me to do." I don't know why He chose this kind of work, when I am so good at the kind that is productive and visible and measurable, but He has, and I am trying to keep that perspective. There are things for me to learn in this, I know. I just wish it was a little more pleasant. ;)
Tonight Steve is out with friends at a concert in town. Guster. He has been so tired. The other night while the kids were getting ready for bed, he fell asleep slumped over on the ottoman and snoozed and snored there for a good twenty or thirty minutes.
Poor love.
He has been good as his word (better) and has taken over meal planning, cooking, shopping, dishes, and lots of parenting, and he has taken good care of my heart, too. I hope I am taking care of his. That is the hardest part of this for me--harder than being still and feeling sick and never knowing what will stay in my tummy. I just hope I'm doing okay for him. I hope he still feels loved.
I miss him tonight. Part of me is very sad not to be with him and not to be able to be his date and feel like his sweetheart. But all of me is glad for him to have a break and to play and to be happy and light and not in charge of our whole little world for a bit. That can make a person tired, and I hope this will be nice for his sweet heart to get a little recharge.
Keep growing, little baby. <3
No comments:
Post a Comment